I wanted to mention this here so I don't forget it, although I don't expect to be able to make any sense of it, nor do I think any of my friends will have particular insight. If you do, however, let me know.
I don't exactly remember the visual of the dream I was having last night. However, I do remember dreaming that I smelled coffee. The sensation was so vivid that I remember thinking that Patrick had gotten up and made coffee for me, something he does not do. I laid there in bed, still in my dream state, thinking that coffee was brewing. But when I came to full awareness, there was no coffee. So what was the coffee dream about?
I wish I knew, because I've had it before, but not for a long time. The last time I had it, and I remember this very well, was around Valentine's day in 1995. Before that, I remember driving through the Ft. McHenry tunnel one time and being struck by the scent of coffee, but there was no coffee in the car and I certainly wasn't driving through Colombia (the country!) ...just under the harbor.
So yeah, coffee. Weird.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The state of things
Feeling a bit pissy today, to be honest. Graded a bunch of midterm exams and am feeling like most of my students don't give a damn. There are a few, God love 'em, who do care about improving their skills and their minds. But most of them can't look past Myspace, video games, junk food, and their libidos. I am going to have to give a number of U midterm grades, more than I've ever had to give. And if there were something I could do to make them care about that, I'd gladly do it.
Usually, when returning a test, I go over the answers with the whole class. But this time, I've decided to sit down one-on-one with each student and talk to them about their class progress. And you wouldn't believe some of the responses I get. A couple of them just did NOT care about a failing grade. Others simply said that they hadn't done the homework and that theyhad expected the less than wonderful grade that they received. Truthfully, I think that they actually don't think that I'll post U midterm grades...that I'm too nice for that or something. Well, guess what...after I finish this post, I'm going to post midterm grades and those U grades will be there if they are deserved.
Am I getting crochety in my old age? I used to have such hope...such a feeling that what I do matters somehow. Looking at the apathy in these kids' eyes, I feel my hope eroding. They do not care. They.Do.Not.Care. And I can't do the caring for them. As I told one of them, "I'm not your psychologist and I'm not your mother." I just want to know why they're in school if they are going to act this way.
I know I have SOME positive effect on SOME kids' lives. But for every Jay or Patricia there is a Frankie or a Taylor who doesn't give a shit.
I suppose it could be worse. But right now I'm just bummed.
Ok, let me cheer myself up.
On a positive note, I had an active weekend...circled the Peake, went to the Renaissance Festival, and spent yesterday getting my act together here at home and playing with my pups. Today, burned a record 650 calories at the gym, met the aforementioned apathy angels, and then had lunch in Dover with my dear sweet mom, whom I love so very much. Mom and I went to Target after lunch, where she bought me a new shirt because she didn't like the one I had on. I love her. Now it's almost 4:30, I'm home, and I have time to write. I'm grateful for all of that.
I have a mix CD in my car with some of my all-time favorites on it. I'm going to put the lyrics from a couple of those songs here, because they inspire me and make me want to strive for more.
Plowed, by Sponge
Will I wake up
A dream I made up
No I guess it's reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect
With a dream
Say a prayer for me
I'm buried by the sound
In a world of human wreckage
I'm lost and I'm found
And I can't touch the ground
I'm plowed into the sound
To see wide open
With a head that's broken
Hang a life on a tragedy
Plow me under the ground that covers
the message that is the seed
Well, if you read these words without hearing the song, you might not get the power and the soaring inspiration that is contained here. Right now, this is how I feel: the world is a mess (a "world of human wreckage" as they say) and yet there's hope. The word "hope" always intrigues me: from the Latin "espere", it means not only to think of better things, but to wait. There's an implicit message of patience in the word "hope". Sometimes I think the waiting part of hope is a little pathetic, like I'm waiting for Godot or something, or waiting for a blind date who's never going to show up. Waiting for a better tomorrow that will never come. But then I'm inspired by the faith part of the word...the KNOWING that better things are coming. Hope. I think that's where Barack Obama got me...he talks about hope, and I think he understands the depth of the word. God help me, I hope he wins on 11/4.
The second inspirational song is "People Have the Power" by Patti Smith.
I was dreaming in my dreaming of an aspect bright and fair
and my sleeping it was broken but my dream it lingered near
in the form of shining valleys where the pure air recognized
and my senses newly opened I awakened to the cry
People have the power...
people have the power to redeem the work of fools
upon the meek the graces shower
it's decreed the people rule
People have the power...
Vengeful aspects became suspectand bending low as if to hear
and the armies ceased advancing because the people had their ear
and the shepherds and the soldiers lay beneath the stars
exchanging visions and laying arms to waste in the dust
in the form of shining valleys where the pure air recognized
and my senses newly opened
I awakened to the cry
People have the power...
Where there were deserts I saw fountains
like cream the waters rise
and we strolled there together with none to laugh or criticize
and the leopard and the lamb lay together truly bound
I was hoping in my hoping to recall what I had found
I was dreaming in my dreaming
God knows a purer view
as I surrender to my sleeping I commit my dream to you
People have the power...
The power to dream
to rule
to wrestle the earth from fools
it's decreed the people rule
LISTEN
I believe everything we dream
can come to pass through our union
we can turn the world around
we can turn the earth's revolution
we have the power
People have the power....
Oh my God, this song makes me soar in my heart. Call me a Utopian...I don't care. I think we can have a better world. I believe it, truly. I don't want to think that with all the wonderful human spirit there is, that we are so dissolute that we'll waste it all. I can't believe that. I won't believe it. I don't know what it's going to take to make a just and fair world, and I feel frustrated sometimes because I'm just one little English professor in a rural community college...what effect can I have? But I have to try. I just have to. Life doesn't make any sense otherwise. I mean, why live? Why walk the earth? So you can have lots of money and pleasure and comfort? I like money and pleasure and comfort as much as the next person, but I'd like to think that I wouldn't sell my soul to get it. I really don't think that the world was created as a zero-sum game...there's enough goodness for everybody to have some. Does that make me naive, crazy, or a communist? I don't think so. None of the above. I'm just someone whose heart aches for better days, and who feels that those better days are ahead of us.
Still with me? Love somebody today. Kiss the person who most aches for your kiss. Give a hug to someone who's not expecting it. Do a favor for someone who's down on his luck, or maybe just someone who's in need of a kindness. Rub your doggie or your kitty's belly. Go stand in the sunshine and look at the colors of the sunset. Feel something. Listen. It's in the wind. Hope.
Usually, when returning a test, I go over the answers with the whole class. But this time, I've decided to sit down one-on-one with each student and talk to them about their class progress. And you wouldn't believe some of the responses I get. A couple of them just did NOT care about a failing grade. Others simply said that they hadn't done the homework and that theyhad expected the less than wonderful grade that they received. Truthfully, I think that they actually don't think that I'll post U midterm grades...that I'm too nice for that or something. Well, guess what...after I finish this post, I'm going to post midterm grades and those U grades will be there if they are deserved.
Am I getting crochety in my old age? I used to have such hope...such a feeling that what I do matters somehow. Looking at the apathy in these kids' eyes, I feel my hope eroding. They do not care. They.Do.Not.Care. And I can't do the caring for them. As I told one of them, "I'm not your psychologist and I'm not your mother." I just want to know why they're in school if they are going to act this way.
I know I have SOME positive effect on SOME kids' lives. But for every Jay or Patricia there is a Frankie or a Taylor who doesn't give a shit.
I suppose it could be worse. But right now I'm just bummed.
Ok, let me cheer myself up.
On a positive note, I had an active weekend...circled the Peake, went to the Renaissance Festival, and spent yesterday getting my act together here at home and playing with my pups. Today, burned a record 650 calories at the gym, met the aforementioned apathy angels, and then had lunch in Dover with my dear sweet mom, whom I love so very much. Mom and I went to Target after lunch, where she bought me a new shirt because she didn't like the one I had on. I love her. Now it's almost 4:30, I'm home, and I have time to write. I'm grateful for all of that.
I have a mix CD in my car with some of my all-time favorites on it. I'm going to put the lyrics from a couple of those songs here, because they inspire me and make me want to strive for more.
Plowed, by Sponge
Will I wake up
A dream I made up
No I guess it's reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect
With a dream
Say a prayer for me
I'm buried by the sound
In a world of human wreckage
I'm lost and I'm found
And I can't touch the ground
I'm plowed into the sound
To see wide open
With a head that's broken
Hang a life on a tragedy
Plow me under the ground that covers
the message that is the seed
Well, if you read these words without hearing the song, you might not get the power and the soaring inspiration that is contained here. Right now, this is how I feel: the world is a mess (a "world of human wreckage" as they say) and yet there's hope. The word "hope" always intrigues me: from the Latin "espere", it means not only to think of better things, but to wait. There's an implicit message of patience in the word "hope". Sometimes I think the waiting part of hope is a little pathetic, like I'm waiting for Godot or something, or waiting for a blind date who's never going to show up. Waiting for a better tomorrow that will never come. But then I'm inspired by the faith part of the word...the KNOWING that better things are coming. Hope. I think that's where Barack Obama got me...he talks about hope, and I think he understands the depth of the word. God help me, I hope he wins on 11/4.
The second inspirational song is "People Have the Power" by Patti Smith.
I was dreaming in my dreaming of an aspect bright and fair
and my sleeping it was broken but my dream it lingered near
in the form of shining valleys where the pure air recognized
and my senses newly opened I awakened to the cry
People have the power...
people have the power to redeem the work of fools
upon the meek the graces shower
it's decreed the people rule
People have the power...
Vengeful aspects became suspectand bending low as if to hear
and the armies ceased advancing because the people had their ear
and the shepherds and the soldiers lay beneath the stars
exchanging visions and laying arms to waste in the dust
in the form of shining valleys where the pure air recognized
and my senses newly opened
I awakened to the cry
People have the power...
Where there were deserts I saw fountains
like cream the waters rise
and we strolled there together with none to laugh or criticize
and the leopard and the lamb lay together truly bound
I was hoping in my hoping to recall what I had found
I was dreaming in my dreaming
God knows a purer view
as I surrender to my sleeping I commit my dream to you
People have the power...
The power to dream
to rule
to wrestle the earth from fools
it's decreed the people rule
LISTEN
I believe everything we dream
can come to pass through our union
we can turn the world around
we can turn the earth's revolution
we have the power
People have the power....
Oh my God, this song makes me soar in my heart. Call me a Utopian...I don't care. I think we can have a better world. I believe it, truly. I don't want to think that with all the wonderful human spirit there is, that we are so dissolute that we'll waste it all. I can't believe that. I won't believe it. I don't know what it's going to take to make a just and fair world, and I feel frustrated sometimes because I'm just one little English professor in a rural community college...what effect can I have? But I have to try. I just have to. Life doesn't make any sense otherwise. I mean, why live? Why walk the earth? So you can have lots of money and pleasure and comfort? I like money and pleasure and comfort as much as the next person, but I'd like to think that I wouldn't sell my soul to get it. I really don't think that the world was created as a zero-sum game...there's enough goodness for everybody to have some. Does that make me naive, crazy, or a communist? I don't think so. None of the above. I'm just someone whose heart aches for better days, and who feels that those better days are ahead of us.
Still with me? Love somebody today. Kiss the person who most aches for your kiss. Give a hug to someone who's not expecting it. Do a favor for someone who's down on his luck, or maybe just someone who's in need of a kindness. Rub your doggie or your kitty's belly. Go stand in the sunshine and look at the colors of the sunset. Feel something. Listen. It's in the wind. Hope.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
La musique d'aujourdhui
Tunes running around my head, through my ears, over my heart today...
"It Feels So Good"--Sonique
"Plowed"--Sponge (one of my favorite songs ever in life, ever ever)
"Brown Eyed Girl"--Van Morrison
"Human Love"--Dirty Vegas
"The Way You Love Me"--Colton Ford
"Insomnia"--Faithless
Well, that's a strange mix of Hippo and Hammerjacks, isn't it? LOL!!
One of my colleagues is the fabulous Dr. Ed Baker, who's been teaching here at Chesapeake since it was founded, I think. He's a big lively storyteller with loving words for everyone he meets, and I can only aspire to be as openhearted as he is. Anyway, he was telling me this morning that in his classes, he asks his students to come up with a "passion name" for themselves...the name that they would be called if they got to choose a name...something reflective of their personalities. Hm. I thought about that for a hot minute, and realized that if I could pick a passion name, it would be FRANCESCA. I have always loved that name. It sounds like champagne or sunshine or something. I would love for that to be my name. But I guess I've been Andree a little too long...Andree is stuck to me like glue. It would seem vacuous to change my name at this point. I feel like I could start my life over if my name were Francesca. But I have the life I have as Andree, and that's what stays.
Gotta get ready for class.
"It Feels So Good"--Sonique
"Plowed"--Sponge (one of my favorite songs ever in life, ever ever)
"Brown Eyed Girl"--Van Morrison
"Human Love"--Dirty Vegas
"The Way You Love Me"--Colton Ford
"Insomnia"--Faithless
Well, that's a strange mix of Hippo and Hammerjacks, isn't it? LOL!!
One of my colleagues is the fabulous Dr. Ed Baker, who's been teaching here at Chesapeake since it was founded, I think. He's a big lively storyteller with loving words for everyone he meets, and I can only aspire to be as openhearted as he is. Anyway, he was telling me this morning that in his classes, he asks his students to come up with a "passion name" for themselves...the name that they would be called if they got to choose a name...something reflective of their personalities. Hm. I thought about that for a hot minute, and realized that if I could pick a passion name, it would be FRANCESCA. I have always loved that name. It sounds like champagne or sunshine or something. I would love for that to be my name. But I guess I've been Andree a little too long...Andree is stuck to me like glue. It would seem vacuous to change my name at this point. I feel like I could start my life over if my name were Francesca. But I have the life I have as Andree, and that's what stays.
Gotta get ready for class.
Thursday
Not a whole lot to say today. I'm wondering if anyone reads this, or if I'm just writing to please myself. Maybe I shouldn't care. After all, the pleasure is in the creation of the words, not in the audience's reaction to them. I love writing. I love the feel of the keys underneath my fingers and the lightning connection to my brain. When I get on a roll, it's like I'm almost not thinking about it...the thoughts get composed so instantaneously that I can barely move my fingers fast enough to get them down. I love that. Years ago there was a book called "Flow" that described this phenomenon perfectly. I forget who the author was except that he had a very long Polish name. (Sorry to all of my Polish readers. LOL! Actually I do have one Polish reader...probably my only reader! Love you Kath!)
Quick gratitudes and then I'm off to the gym:
I'm grateful for:
Quick gratitudes and then I'm off to the gym:
I'm grateful for:
- my health (blood tests for foot surgery show that I have really good blood!)
- my excellent, witty podiatrist
- the gym being right here on campus
- that it's THURSDAY already
- a busy, productive, extra-money weekend coming up
- the fact that my feelings about things are so profound...I'd rather be alive than sleepwalking through my life
- possibilities
- love
- friendship
- the purple evening coming up on Monday!
Love. Peace out. All that.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Calmer seas
Thought I'd take a few minutes before my 10am class to write a few things. Been very angsty these last few days, but woke up feeling calmer today. I mean, there's always a roiling sea inside of me, but today there's a bit of a lull. Maybe today will be a happy compromise between a tropical storm and the doldrums...(ok, let me just wear out that nautical metaphor!)
Gratitudes:
So yeah, that's it for now...no fabulous revelations today. The fabulous revelator has the day off.
Gratitudes:
- I'm grateful to my husband for fixing dinner last night...it was especially wonderful after the loooong day I had
- I'm grateful for my office, and the tranquility it provides
- I'm grateful for spontaneous friends, both old and new
- I'm grateful for a full night's sleep
- I'm grateful for this delicious cantaloupe that I'm eating for breakfast as I write this
- I'm grateful to U2 for providing a fantastic soundtrack to my life
So yeah, that's it for now...no fabulous revelations today. The fabulous revelator has the day off.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Catching up
My intention is to post on here everyday, but sometimes life gets in the way. And I'm not exactly famous for my consistency in anything. But here I am.
I'm really upset about the mess our country is in right now. And what upsets me more is the way people are sleepwalking through it. Or being complacent about it. Or, like my mom, simply saying, "I can't worry about it because I can't do anything about it."
What's wrong with me that I can't numb out about it? What's wrong with me that I have to keep speaking, and talking and wondering what I CAN do? Why does it matter so much to me? It doesn't seem to matter to most people. Maybe I should make myself a martini shakerful and sit down in front of a video game or the Lifetime channel and then I won't FEEL, I won't FEEL...
Anyway.
Burned 600 calories at the gym this morning. Grateful that my foot felt good enough for me to do that. Grateful that I had my iPod with me and could listen to some wonderful tunes. So here's the morning music that fueled my workout:
1) That thing by Daft Punk that you'd recognize if you heard it...but I can't think of the name of it right now. Followed by that thing by Underworld that you'd recognize if you heard it.
2) A series of songs from Achtung Baby: "Tryin' to Throw Your Arms Around the World" "Mysterious Ways" "Until the End of the World" and the unparalleled "Even Better Than the Real Thing", which, although one of my most favorite songs ever, is a song I should never listen to, for reasons that I will keep to myself.
3) Elvis Costello's "What's So Funny 'bout Peace Love and Understanding" followed (shuffle must read my mood) by Sixousie and the Banshees' "Cities in Dust", "History Repeating" by the Propellerheads, and Living Colour's "Cult of Personality." GRRRRR
4) And on a lighter note, there was Prince's "Kiss" and Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It".
Anyway. I'm off to grab some lunch and some office time, then back to the classroom for another round with the fun kids.
"Indifference is a trait that makes even the angels weep."--Cornel West
"Wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"-- Me
I'm really upset about the mess our country is in right now. And what upsets me more is the way people are sleepwalking through it. Or being complacent about it. Or, like my mom, simply saying, "I can't worry about it because I can't do anything about it."
What's wrong with me that I can't numb out about it? What's wrong with me that I have to keep speaking, and talking and wondering what I CAN do? Why does it matter so much to me? It doesn't seem to matter to most people. Maybe I should make myself a martini shakerful and sit down in front of a video game or the Lifetime channel and then I won't FEEL, I won't FEEL...
Anyway.
Burned 600 calories at the gym this morning. Grateful that my foot felt good enough for me to do that. Grateful that I had my iPod with me and could listen to some wonderful tunes. So here's the morning music that fueled my workout:
1) That thing by Daft Punk that you'd recognize if you heard it...but I can't think of the name of it right now. Followed by that thing by Underworld that you'd recognize if you heard it.
2) A series of songs from Achtung Baby: "Tryin' to Throw Your Arms Around the World" "Mysterious Ways" "Until the End of the World" and the unparalleled "Even Better Than the Real Thing", which, although one of my most favorite songs ever, is a song I should never listen to, for reasons that I will keep to myself.
3) Elvis Costello's "What's So Funny 'bout Peace Love and Understanding" followed (shuffle must read my mood) by Sixousie and the Banshees' "Cities in Dust", "History Repeating" by the Propellerheads, and Living Colour's "Cult of Personality." GRRRRR
4) And on a lighter note, there was Prince's "Kiss" and Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It".
Anyway. I'm off to grab some lunch and some office time, then back to the classroom for another round with the fun kids.
"Indifference is a trait that makes even the angels weep."--Cornel West
"Wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"-- Me
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Jay
Today, all I know is I'm grateful for this:
To A F
Here I stand thanking this ma'am
Helping to show me who I am
Giving me a way to speak my mind
Writing about all the bad times
Critical of the errors that she would see
However, something she saw in me
Always putting up with my antics
Final paper, Time to panic
Opening my mind to a different side
Saying true feelings, one shouldn't hide
Always optimistic, and always fair
Showing the student that she cares
Providing the skills, letting me reach
A wonderful person, a wonderful teach
Thank you for presenting this world to me
All of my gratitude, I give Dr. Fee --Jay Blann
The kid who wrote this is an Iraq war veteran who lost his best friend over there. He came home from the war and got heavily into some nasty stuff. He took English 101 from me about 18 months ago. Despite being on the weed, he showed some talent and interest...and so I encouraged him to write about his experiences. Now he's clean and sober, working full time, and writing. What a blessing this little poem was...I had the crappiest day yesterday, but came home to find this on Facebook. Wow.
I'm really grateful for this.
To A F
Here I stand thanking this ma'am
Helping to show me who I am
Giving me a way to speak my mind
Writing about all the bad times
Critical of the errors that she would see
However, something she saw in me
Always putting up with my antics
Final paper, Time to panic
Opening my mind to a different side
Saying true feelings, one shouldn't hide
Always optimistic, and always fair
Showing the student that she cares
Providing the skills, letting me reach
A wonderful person, a wonderful teach
Thank you for presenting this world to me
All of my gratitude, I give Dr. Fee --Jay Blann
The kid who wrote this is an Iraq war veteran who lost his best friend over there. He came home from the war and got heavily into some nasty stuff. He took English 101 from me about 18 months ago. Despite being on the weed, he showed some talent and interest...and so I encouraged him to write about his experiences. Now he's clean and sober, working full time, and writing. What a blessing this little poem was...I had the crappiest day yesterday, but came home to find this on Facebook. Wow.
I'm really grateful for this.
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