My intention is to post on here everyday, but sometimes life gets in the way. And I'm not exactly famous for my consistency in anything. But here I am.
I'm really upset about the mess our country is in right now. And what upsets me more is the way people are sleepwalking through it. Or being complacent about it. Or, like my mom, simply saying, "I can't worry about it because I can't do anything about it."
What's wrong with me that I can't numb out about it? What's wrong with me that I have to keep speaking, and talking and wondering what I CAN do? Why does it matter so much to me? It doesn't seem to matter to most people. Maybe I should make myself a martini shakerful and sit down in front of a video game or the Lifetime channel and then I won't FEEL, I won't FEEL...
Anyway.
Burned 600 calories at the gym this morning. Grateful that my foot felt good enough for me to do that. Grateful that I had my iPod with me and could listen to some wonderful tunes. So here's the morning music that fueled my workout:
1) That thing by Daft Punk that you'd recognize if you heard it...but I can't think of the name of it right now. Followed by that thing by Underworld that you'd recognize if you heard it.
2) A series of songs from Achtung Baby: "Tryin' to Throw Your Arms Around the World" "Mysterious Ways" "Until the End of the World" and the unparalleled "Even Better Than the Real Thing", which, although one of my most favorite songs ever, is a song I should never listen to, for reasons that I will keep to myself.
3) Elvis Costello's "What's So Funny 'bout Peace Love and Understanding" followed (shuffle must read my mood) by Sixousie and the Banshees' "Cities in Dust", "History Repeating" by the Propellerheads, and Living Colour's "Cult of Personality." GRRRRR
4) And on a lighter note, there was Prince's "Kiss" and Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It".
Anyway. I'm off to grab some lunch and some office time, then back to the classroom for another round with the fun kids.
"Indifference is a trait that makes even the angels weep."--Cornel West
"Wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"-- Me
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Jay
Today, all I know is I'm grateful for this:
To A F
Here I stand thanking this ma'am
Helping to show me who I am
Giving me a way to speak my mind
Writing about all the bad times
Critical of the errors that she would see
However, something she saw in me
Always putting up with my antics
Final paper, Time to panic
Opening my mind to a different side
Saying true feelings, one shouldn't hide
Always optimistic, and always fair
Showing the student that she cares
Providing the skills, letting me reach
A wonderful person, a wonderful teach
Thank you for presenting this world to me
All of my gratitude, I give Dr. Fee --Jay Blann
The kid who wrote this is an Iraq war veteran who lost his best friend over there. He came home from the war and got heavily into some nasty stuff. He took English 101 from me about 18 months ago. Despite being on the weed, he showed some talent and interest...and so I encouraged him to write about his experiences. Now he's clean and sober, working full time, and writing. What a blessing this little poem was...I had the crappiest day yesterday, but came home to find this on Facebook. Wow.
I'm really grateful for this.
To A F
Here I stand thanking this ma'am
Helping to show me who I am
Giving me a way to speak my mind
Writing about all the bad times
Critical of the errors that she would see
However, something she saw in me
Always putting up with my antics
Final paper, Time to panic
Opening my mind to a different side
Saying true feelings, one shouldn't hide
Always optimistic, and always fair
Showing the student that she cares
Providing the skills, letting me reach
A wonderful person, a wonderful teach
Thank you for presenting this world to me
All of my gratitude, I give Dr. Fee --Jay Blann
The kid who wrote this is an Iraq war veteran who lost his best friend over there. He came home from the war and got heavily into some nasty stuff. He took English 101 from me about 18 months ago. Despite being on the weed, he showed some talent and interest...and so I encouraged him to write about his experiences. Now he's clean and sober, working full time, and writing. What a blessing this little poem was...I had the crappiest day yesterday, but came home to find this on Facebook. Wow.
I'm really grateful for this.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Blue Monday
I don't want to feel blue. Honestly, I don't. But sometimes life gets to me. On the inside, I'm a happy person with a lot of love to give. Right now, however, I feel oppressed by circumstances. My financial situation really sucks with a capital SUCK. And because of that, other things get colored blue...my marriage, my friendships, my family relationships. I feel like I can't walk in the world with my head held high because of money. I really want things to change. I want to feel like I can be generous with time, money, and energy. I want to feel like I can take care of my life and to walk through life like an adult.
My friend Tawnya tells me that the key to change is to think more positively, and that through positive thinking, I'll effect the changes that I need to make. I'm trying it. I want to rise above what is to what CAN BE.
So today, I'm grateful for:
My friend Tawnya tells me that the key to change is to think more positively, and that through positive thinking, I'll effect the changes that I need to make. I'm trying it. I want to rise above what is to what CAN BE.
So today, I'm grateful for:
- the house I live in
- the little bit of money I have in the bank
- the job that lets me pay the bills
- the generosity of people around me
- the life I have
- the place I have in society
- the car I have
- the pups
- the decisions that I've made that have led me to this place
- that urge within me that lets me know that the best in life is still ahead of me
I can effect change in my life if I allow myself to believe I can.
Today's music:
dogs barking in the backyard, "Little Wing" by SRV, and "Desire" by U2.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Great weekend!
Had lots of fun this weekend with Beth and Donna. We saw Christine Lavin on Saturday night. I didn't know a thing about her before the show, but she's definitely won me over as a fan. Her brand of folk singing is whimsical and punny/funny, and her stage style is part cheerleader/part entertainer/part playful five year old. I loved the show. At one point, she was talking about people who have their birthdays near Christmas and how much that must suck. Well, before I could turn on my self-editing function, I called out to her "what about birthdays around Thanksgiving? That really sucks too." So the next thing I knew, she had called me up onstage with one other near-holiday-birthday woman, Claudia (Claudia's complaint was far more valid than mine...her birthday is Christmas Eve) and we were competing in a silly trivia contest which ended up with me winning a little gift bag and having the audience sing happy birthday to me. The irony is that we were there to celebrate BETH's birthday, not mine! LOL! So yeah, the Christine Lavin show was a hoot.
Today we had breakfast at the b&b and then headed to the Maryland Wine festival. Definitely lots of fun tasting the various Maryland wines, but soon after we got there, the festival got REALLY hot and sweaty and crowded and I started getting that claustrophobic feeling. Although I had a great time, I was glad to leave when we did.
Got back home to Grasonville at around 4 pm and have been doing house chores and getting ready for the week. Pat's not feeling well and so isn't in a great mood. That's been a bit of a mood deflater for me too. Ugh. I'm sure that part of whatever problems we might have in our marriage is that I have a tendency to not say or do the right thing at the right time. I could be nicer, I think. Maybe what it is is that sometime I just want things to be smooth, and right now, here at home, they almost never are.
Anyway. On to gratitudes:
"All I Have to Do is Dream"
Peter Frampton singing "Do You Feel Like I Do"
That "woo hoo" song that they play whenever the Ravens score...it got a workout today!
Today we had breakfast at the b&b and then headed to the Maryland Wine festival. Definitely lots of fun tasting the various Maryland wines, but soon after we got there, the festival got REALLY hot and sweaty and crowded and I started getting that claustrophobic feeling. Although I had a great time, I was glad to leave when we did.
Got back home to Grasonville at around 4 pm and have been doing house chores and getting ready for the week. Pat's not feeling well and so isn't in a great mood. That's been a bit of a mood deflater for me too. Ugh. I'm sure that part of whatever problems we might have in our marriage is that I have a tendency to not say or do the right thing at the right time. I could be nicer, I think. Maybe what it is is that sometime I just want things to be smooth, and right now, here at home, they almost never are.
Anyway. On to gratitudes:
- I am grateful for a nice weekend with dear, loving friends, good food, silly fun, and Christine Lavin...
- I am grateful for all the lovely people we met this weekend...
- I am grateful for the existence of the Utz Potato Chip factory, although I probably gained five pounds this weekend, in no small measure because of the salty goodies I ate at Utz...
- I am grateful that I made it back from the weekend without trouble...
- I am grateful that the Ravens won today (LOL) ...
That's all I can think of right now. Hey, at least I got some down, even though I'm feeling supremely grouchy.
Music of the day:"All I Have to Do is Dream"
Peter Frampton singing "Do You Feel Like I Do"
That "woo hoo" song that they play whenever the Ravens score...it got a workout today!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Gratitudes
In Hanover PA this morning with Beth and Donna. We're up here this weekend to celebrate Beth's birthday. Girly silly fun!
Today, I am grateful for:
My friends, without whom I'd be lost...
My dear loving friend Kathy, who is so talented that she could quickly whip up the graphics that now accompany my blog. Thank you hon!
Cool, clear mornings that let me know fall is coming...
Yummy, homemade sausage and french toast that melts in your mouth...
Off to explore!
Today's music:
Classical cascades playing on the b&b speakers
In my head: "Crystal"--New Order
Today, I am grateful for:
My friends, without whom I'd be lost...
My dear loving friend Kathy, who is so talented that she could quickly whip up the graphics that now accompany my blog. Thank you hon!
Cool, clear mornings that let me know fall is coming...
Yummy, homemade sausage and french toast that melts in your mouth...
Off to explore!
Today's music:
Classical cascades playing on the b&b speakers
In my head: "Crystal"--New Order
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Warriors Don't Cry, dammit
We're reading the book "Warriors Don't Cry" in my ENG 075 class. It's a memoir written by one of the Little Rock Nine students who were the first to integrate all-white Central High in Little Rock Arkansas in 1957.
The bravery of those teenagers is amazing to me. They had to face down prejudice from fellow students, from the media, from community adults, from state government, and from the Arkansas National Guard, for crying out loud! And they were all 14-17 years old at the time. I can't imagine being that brave and selfless at that young an age. But here they were, getting abused multiple times a day, in order to pave the way for integrated schools for all.
Damn people and their ignorant attitudes. Racism is such an ugly, ridiculous thing. Watching the little intro film I show before beginning to teach this book, I was again reminded about how ignorance can breed violence, how hatred can be passed on through the generations so easily, how words can leave scars.
Are things really so different today? Yes, we have racially integrated schools, but segregation still exists...race AND class-based segregation, predicated in large part on the way we fund our school systems. The use of the property tax to fund schools is ridiculous. Why should a fair, quality education be an accident of birth? Poor neighborhoods get schools that are inferior and violent, while schools in rich neighborhoods get the best of everything. Come on now...here in the greatest country on earth, we should be able to do better than that.
Warriors don't cry? Well, maybe they don't. But we should all cry for the fine minds that are perhaps being lost because we accept this unfairness as part of life in America. We should all cry that every child doesn't get to stand at the same place on life's starting line. We should cry that the message we send poor and minority children is that somehow, they aren't worth our time, effort, and money. I'm reminded of that old Bruce Hornsby song, "The Way It Is."
They say hey little boy you can't go
Where the others go
'Cause you don't look like they do
Said hey old man how can you stand
To think that way
Did you really think about it
Before you made the rules
He said, Son
That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is
But don't you believe them
I don't believe it. I don't believe that this is the way things have to be. I believe in the goodness of America's dream...that we can make things equal for everyone without shortchanging anyone. Since when is the American dream a zero-sum game? Some would say that in order for us to have a free-market economy, there have to be winners AND losers. I say...no dice. We're the wealthiest country in the world (although after this week's Wall Street fiasco, that might be up for debate). We should take care of ALL of our children and give them every advantage that our great nation has to offer. Dammit, this makes me mad. Children getting the short end of the stick because of color or class...or gender... just pisses me off. How do we all sleep at night, knowing that this is what goes on?
Bruce Hornsby...
Well they passed a law in '64
To give those who ain't got a little more
But it only goes so far
Because the law won't change another's mind
When all it sees at the hiring time
Is the line on the color bar
That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is
But don't you believe them
No. Hell no. Come on, we can do so much better.
Afternoon music:
"The Way It Is"--Bruce Hornsby and the Range
The bravery of those teenagers is amazing to me. They had to face down prejudice from fellow students, from the media, from community adults, from state government, and from the Arkansas National Guard, for crying out loud! And they were all 14-17 years old at the time. I can't imagine being that brave and selfless at that young an age. But here they were, getting abused multiple times a day, in order to pave the way for integrated schools for all.
Damn people and their ignorant attitudes. Racism is such an ugly, ridiculous thing. Watching the little intro film I show before beginning to teach this book, I was again reminded about how ignorance can breed violence, how hatred can be passed on through the generations so easily, how words can leave scars.
Are things really so different today? Yes, we have racially integrated schools, but segregation still exists...race AND class-based segregation, predicated in large part on the way we fund our school systems. The use of the property tax to fund schools is ridiculous. Why should a fair, quality education be an accident of birth? Poor neighborhoods get schools that are inferior and violent, while schools in rich neighborhoods get the best of everything. Come on now...here in the greatest country on earth, we should be able to do better than that.
Warriors don't cry? Well, maybe they don't. But we should all cry for the fine minds that are perhaps being lost because we accept this unfairness as part of life in America. We should all cry that every child doesn't get to stand at the same place on life's starting line. We should cry that the message we send poor and minority children is that somehow, they aren't worth our time, effort, and money. I'm reminded of that old Bruce Hornsby song, "The Way It Is."
They say hey little boy you can't go
Where the others go
'Cause you don't look like they do
Said hey old man how can you stand
To think that way
Did you really think about it
Before you made the rules
He said, Son
That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is
But don't you believe them
I don't believe it. I don't believe that this is the way things have to be. I believe in the goodness of America's dream...that we can make things equal for everyone without shortchanging anyone. Since when is the American dream a zero-sum game? Some would say that in order for us to have a free-market economy, there have to be winners AND losers. I say...no dice. We're the wealthiest country in the world (although after this week's Wall Street fiasco, that might be up for debate). We should take care of ALL of our children and give them every advantage that our great nation has to offer. Dammit, this makes me mad. Children getting the short end of the stick because of color or class...or gender... just pisses me off. How do we all sleep at night, knowing that this is what goes on?
Bruce Hornsby...
Well they passed a law in '64
To give those who ain't got a little more
But it only goes so far
Because the law won't change another's mind
When all it sees at the hiring time
Is the line on the color bar
That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is
But don't you believe them
No. Hell no. Come on, we can do so much better.
Afternoon music:
"The Way It Is"--Bruce Hornsby and the Range
Tests
So, yeah, I'm supposed to be marking tests now. I have 18 to mark before 2:30. So I'd better get to it. But I just wanted to take a minute to do my gratitudes:
I am grateful for my students, who make me think and who teach me more than I could ever teach them.
I am grateful for my coworkers, who are a chosen family of a kind. We all look out for each other, and it's good.
I am grateful for days that are not too hot...not too cold...just right. I am a Baby Bear.
I am grateful for options...
I am grateful to have been born an American!
I am grateful to have gotten an excellent education, during the course of which I was encouraged to THINK and to use my gifts.
I am grateful to now have a wonderful job that lets me help others, pays decently, and that allows me to have self-respect. I am grateful for this every single day.
Today's music:
"Big Time Sensuality"--Bjork
"Fast Cars" --U2
"The Fly"--U2
"Could You Be Loved?" --Bob Marley
"Flathead"--the Fratellis
"Crystal"--New Order
I am grateful for my students, who make me think and who teach me more than I could ever teach them.
I am grateful for my coworkers, who are a chosen family of a kind. We all look out for each other, and it's good.
I am grateful for days that are not too hot...not too cold...just right. I am a Baby Bear.
I am grateful for options...
I am grateful to have been born an American!
I am grateful to have gotten an excellent education, during the course of which I was encouraged to THINK and to use my gifts.
I am grateful to now have a wonderful job that lets me help others, pays decently, and that allows me to have self-respect. I am grateful for this every single day.
Today's music:
"Big Time Sensuality"--Bjork
"Fast Cars" --U2
"The Fly"--U2
"Could You Be Loved?" --Bob Marley
"Flathead"--the Fratellis
"Crystal"--New Order
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
How I spent the afternoon
I had fully intended to go to a local coffee shop, imbibe the caffeinated beverage, and mark the three sets of tests that I gave over the last couple of days. Instead, I put everything in the interior of my car into the trunk, put the top down, and went for a drive.
At first, I thought I'd head to the ocean. But really I didn't want to be gone that long, nor did I want to burn the gas. (The Mustang, while sweet and wild and beautiful, is also a gas hog of a girl.) So instead I headed north, through Centreville and Chestertown, up to Betterton in Kent County. I wanted to get a look at the beach up there and see what had become of what was, when I was a teeny somebody, a resort town.
Well, there's not much THERE there in Betterton. The beach is clean and lovely, to be sure, and there were a number of people taking a swim or sun break out there. But there's not much else to speak of in that tiny town. The post office is in a trailer, if that tells you anything. But I'm glad I went to see the place, because the ride there and back was lovely and helped me to adjust my attitude a bit.
On the way back I stopped to get some gas, bought a scratchie and won $20, stopped at a friend's coffee shop in Centreville, and then headed back to my place via the backroads. What a glorious day to ride through the Eastern Shore farm country, convertible top down, feeling the wind in my hair.
I saw not one, but two eagles while I was out there. Wonder what that means, or if it means anything at all.
Came home and did a spot of necessary cleaning, and then sat down to check e-mail and do this blogging. Guess I'll grade the papers tonight. I really needed the mini-vacation...and like all vacations, there's a part of me that wishes I could have stayed out there longer.
At first, I thought I'd head to the ocean. But really I didn't want to be gone that long, nor did I want to burn the gas. (The Mustang, while sweet and wild and beautiful, is also a gas hog of a girl.) So instead I headed north, through Centreville and Chestertown, up to Betterton in Kent County. I wanted to get a look at the beach up there and see what had become of what was, when I was a teeny somebody, a resort town.
Well, there's not much THERE there in Betterton. The beach is clean and lovely, to be sure, and there were a number of people taking a swim or sun break out there. But there's not much else to speak of in that tiny town. The post office is in a trailer, if that tells you anything. But I'm glad I went to see the place, because the ride there and back was lovely and helped me to adjust my attitude a bit.
On the way back I stopped to get some gas, bought a scratchie and won $20, stopped at a friend's coffee shop in Centreville, and then headed back to my place via the backroads. What a glorious day to ride through the Eastern Shore farm country, convertible top down, feeling the wind in my hair.
I saw not one, but two eagles while I was out there. Wonder what that means, or if it means anything at all.
Came home and did a spot of necessary cleaning, and then sat down to check e-mail and do this blogging. Guess I'll grade the papers tonight. I really needed the mini-vacation...and like all vacations, there's a part of me that wishes I could have stayed out there longer.
A new blog
It occurred to me this morning, as I am working my way through a bad mood and posting every fleeting thought in my head onto Twitter, that I need a blog. An honest to goodness place to record the things I think and dream about, as well as a spot where I can vent. That way, the Twitterworld can be spared my machine-gun postings.
I also wanted a place to post gratitudes. A couple of nights ago, I talked to one of my oldest friends, Tawnya. Tawnya is on her way back from a two week car journey out west, a trip she calls her "vision quest". One of the things that we talked about was voicing and showing gratitude for the blessings in one's life. And I realized that I could be more grateful. Or at least I could voice my gratitude more often.
So anyone who reads this will probably get an eyeful of all sorts of varia that will amuse, confuse, amaze, frighten, or simply nauseate. Read at your own risk.
Today's gratitudes:
Off to class in a minute. I'm giving a test, which means that I really don't have to do anything except proctor and make sure no one's helping him/herself to someone else's answers. Afterward, I'll go to the local coffee perk and grade papers, and maybe blog some more. Who knows.
Morning songs 9/17:
"Shut Your Eyes"--Snow Patrol
"Naked Eye"--Luscious Jackson
"Jump Around"--House of Pain
"Club Foot"--Kasabian
and the inimitable
"Drive That Fast"--Kitchens of Distinction
Love to you all. More later.
I also wanted a place to post gratitudes. A couple of nights ago, I talked to one of my oldest friends, Tawnya. Tawnya is on her way back from a two week car journey out west, a trip she calls her "vision quest". One of the things that we talked about was voicing and showing gratitude for the blessings in one's life. And I realized that I could be more grateful. Or at least I could voice my gratitude more often.
So anyone who reads this will probably get an eyeful of all sorts of varia that will amuse, confuse, amaze, frighten, or simply nauseate. Read at your own risk.
Today's gratitudes:
- I am grateful for my job, and for finding employment that allows me to be me, at least 75% of the time. I love teaching with every fiber of my being.
- I am grateful to have a home in a beautiful, relatively safe neighborhood with neighbors who look out for us.
- I am grateful for my family...people who love me unconditionally, even when it's hard to do.
- I am grateful for my husband, and for all the lessons I'm learning by loving you.
- I am grateful for my friends...my chosen family. I am so grateful to the handful of girlfriends that have stuck with me for years and years and eons.
- I am grateful for my four pups, who fill my days with love and who think I'm the most wonderful creature on earth.
- I am grateful for my smarts, which compensate for many other inadequacies.
- I am grateful for whatever it is within me that has allowed me to lose 104 pounds and counting.
Off to class in a minute. I'm giving a test, which means that I really don't have to do anything except proctor and make sure no one's helping him/herself to someone else's answers. Afterward, I'll go to the local coffee perk and grade papers, and maybe blog some more. Who knows.
Morning songs 9/17:
"Shut Your Eyes"--Snow Patrol
"Naked Eye"--Luscious Jackson
"Jump Around"--House of Pain
"Club Foot"--Kasabian
and the inimitable
"Drive That Fast"--Kitchens of Distinction
Love to you all. More later.
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