The state of things

Feeling a bit pissy today, to be honest. Graded a bunch of midterm exams and am feeling like most of my students don't give a damn. There are a few, God love 'em, who do care about improving their skills and their minds. But most of them can't look past Myspace, video games, junk food, and their libidos. I am going to have to give a number of U midterm grades, more than I've ever had to give. And if there were something I could do to make them care about that, I'd gladly do it.

Usually, when returning a test, I go over the answers with the whole class. But this time, I've decided to sit down one-on-one with each student and talk to them about their class progress. And you wouldn't believe some of the responses I get. A couple of them just did NOT care about a failing grade. Others simply said that they hadn't done the homework and that theyhad expected the less than wonderful grade that they received. Truthfully, I think that they actually don't think that I'll post U midterm grades...that I'm too nice for that or something. Well, guess what...after I finish this post, I'm going to post midterm grades and those U grades will be there if they are deserved.

Am I getting crochety in my old age? I used to have such hope...such a feeling that what I do matters somehow. Looking at the apathy in these kids' eyes, I feel my hope eroding. They do not care. They.Do.Not.Care. And I can't do the caring for them. As I told one of them, "I'm not your psychologist and I'm not your mother." I just want to know why they're in school if they are going to act this way.

I know I have SOME positive effect on SOME kids' lives. But for every Jay or Patricia there is a Frankie or a Taylor who doesn't give a shit.

I suppose it could be worse. But right now I'm just bummed.

Ok, let me cheer myself up.

On a positive note, I had an active weekend...circled the Peake, went to the Renaissance Festival, and spent yesterday getting my act together here at home and playing with my pups. Today, burned a record 650 calories at the gym, met the aforementioned apathy angels, and then had lunch in Dover with my dear sweet mom, whom I love so very much. Mom and I went to Target after lunch, where she bought me a new shirt because she didn't like the one I had on. I love her. Now it's almost 4:30, I'm home, and I have time to write. I'm grateful for all of that.

I have a mix CD in my car with some of my all-time favorites on it. I'm going to put the lyrics from a couple of those songs here, because they inspire me and make me want to strive for more.

Plowed, by Sponge

Will I wake up
A dream I made up
No I guess it's reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect
With a dream
Say a prayer for me
I'm buried by the sound
In a world of human wreckage
I'm lost and I'm found
And I can't touch the ground
I'm plowed into the sound
To see wide open
With a head that's broken
Hang a life on a tragedy
Plow me under the ground that covers
the message that is the seed

Well, if you read these words without hearing the song, you might not get the power and the soaring inspiration that is contained here. Right now, this is how I feel: the world is a mess (a "world of human wreckage" as they say) and yet there's hope. The word "hope" always intrigues me: from the Latin "espere", it means not only to think of better things, but to wait. There's an implicit message of patience in the word "hope". Sometimes I think the waiting part of hope is a little pathetic, like I'm waiting for Godot or something, or waiting for a blind date who's never going to show up. Waiting for a better tomorrow that will never come. But then I'm inspired by the faith part of the word...the KNOWING that better things are coming. Hope. I think that's where Barack Obama got me...he talks about hope, and I think he understands the depth of the word. God help me, I hope he wins on 11/4.

The second inspirational song is "People Have the Power" by Patti Smith.

I was dreaming in my dreaming of an aspect bright and fair
and my sleeping it was broken but my dream it lingered near
in the form of shining valleys where the pure air recognized
and my senses newly opened I awakened to the cry

People have the power...

people have the power to redeem the work of fools
upon the meek the graces shower
it's decreed the people rule

People have the power...

Vengeful aspects became suspectand bending low as if to hear
and the armies ceased advancing because the people had their ear
and the shepherds and the soldiers lay beneath the stars
exchanging visions and laying arms to waste in the dust
in the form of shining valleys where the pure air recognized
and my senses newly opened
I awakened to the cry

People have the power...

Where there were deserts I saw fountains
like cream the waters rise
and we strolled there together with none to laugh or criticize
and the leopard and the lamb lay together truly bound
I was hoping in my hoping to recall what I had found
I was dreaming in my dreaming
God knows a purer view
as I surrender to my sleeping I commit my dream to you

People have the power...
The power to dream
to rule
to wrestle the earth from fools
it's decreed the people rule
LISTEN
I believe everything we dream
can come to pass through our union
we can turn the world around
we can turn the earth's revolution
we have the power
People have the power....

Oh my God, this song makes me soar in my heart. Call me a Utopian...I don't care. I think we can have a better world. I believe it, truly. I don't want to think that with all the wonderful human spirit there is, that we are so dissolute that we'll waste it all. I can't believe that. I won't believe it. I don't know what it's going to take to make a just and fair world, and I feel frustrated sometimes because I'm just one little English professor in a rural community college...what effect can I have? But I have to try. I just have to. Life doesn't make any sense otherwise. I mean, why live? Why walk the earth? So you can have lots of money and pleasure and comfort? I like money and pleasure and comfort as much as the next person, but I'd like to think that I wouldn't sell my soul to get it. I really don't think that the world was created as a zero-sum game...there's enough goodness for everybody to have some. Does that make me naive, crazy, or a communist? I don't think so. None of the above. I'm just someone whose heart aches for better days, and who feels that those better days are ahead of us.

Still with me? Love somebody today. Kiss the person who most aches for your kiss. Give a hug to someone who's not expecting it. Do a favor for someone who's down on his luck, or maybe just someone who's in need of a kindness. Rub your doggie or your kitty's belly. Go stand in the sunshine and look at the colors of the sunset. Feel something. Listen. It's in the wind. Hope.